Overheard a 5 year old say: Dear Lord, Please let this day be better than yesterday.

Yesterday, at a local bagel shop, I sat across from a table of 3 people - a mother (a neighbor I recognized), and her two kids, ages 4 and 5. The mom comes back to the table with bagels and cream cheese. Before digging into his bagel, he stops and puts his hands into prayer mode and says: Dear Lord, please let this day be better than yesterday. His mom looks at me, and says, "They've been working on prayers at Sunday school. I *really* have to work with him on his gratitude prayers!" and we both burst out laughing. So, I thought, what better way than to start the day than with a few words of gratitude. Here are mine for the day: Dear Lord, I am very grateful that I am not in childbirth today. I am also grateful that if I were giving birth to a child today, I would have a choice of an epideral or an epideral. So I guess what I'm saying is that I am REALLY grateful I am not only NOT birthing a child today, but that we are no longer in the 1900's when women were expected to … [Read more...]

No Back-Up Plan, aka I’m Fucked If…

I have a slight obsession with having a back-up. I have back-ups for just about everything - and it doesn't end with my digital life. I keep a back-up stash for toilet paper, paper towels, chapstick, skinny jeans, fat jeans, dark jeans, light jeans, distressed jeans, black shoes, black pants, gloves - every size and color for every occasion in every other drawer in the house (we live in Minnesota, don't-cha-know. Land of 10,000 lakes and 300+snow days...), stamps, batteries in every size (hey, I don't want my remotes to die), mascara, bandages, I ALWAYS ALWAYS have extra ice cream in the house (who doesn't?), dog food, notebooks, flashlights, and the list could go on and on. What might be easier is to list things without a back-up stash: I'm fucked if... something happens to my husband - (something = death or dismemberment) I have no back-up husband, so I am crossing my fingers that he doesn't croak before I do. I have even resorted to threatening him to make absolutely sure he … [Read more...]

Problem SOLVED: We haven’t had a SOCK shortage SINCE!

I don't have a sock problem, but my husband does. And by problem, I mean, he's always running out of clean socks. This wouldn't be a problem except that he doesn't go shopping enough to replenish his necessities - like socks, enough. And when he's out of socks, I pay for it. I mean, he'll complain, he'll look all over the house, he'll get ornery, he'll leave the house late for work, he'll give me the dreaded *dirty* eye that implies that I somehow should have anticipated this but WORST of all, he'll resort to wearing dirty socks - and with a nose like mine - I can smell dirty, stinky, smelly, sweaty, worn sock, from across the room. EWWWWWW. Let me say it again. EWWWWWWWW!!!!!!! ________________________________ He once even accused me: Husband: I can't find any of my socks. Have you been wearing MY socks? Me: I don't wear socks. Even if I did, I wouldn't wear YOUR socks. They have holes in them. AND, the heel would come up to my knee. I'm pretty sure you would have … [Read more...]

For the love of JEANS – I hate washing my jeans!

For the LOVE of jeans... I LOVE jeans. I mean, I love LOVE jeans. I am obsessed with jeans. I try to wear jeans every day of the week. I have jeans for dressing down, jeans for dressing up, jeans for going out, jeans for "casual" Friday, jeans for "dressy" Monday and every day in between. In my head, my obsession with jeans looks something like this: I'm going to admit that I don't wash my jeans often - probably every 6-8 wears. I love how the more you wear a pair of jeans, they just fit more perfectly - it's as if my jeans have MEMORY of me... and when I put them on again, we just pick up where we left off. Like a lover, it knows my curves, hugs me in all the right places, and makes me feel like a million bucks. Every time I wash a pair of jeans, I hold my breathe. -Will they be the same? -Will they remember me? -How long will it take this time to get back to where we WERE? With each wash, it gets a little faded. Perhaps a little tighter? And then the … [Read more...]

Weekly FYI – October 23rd, 2011

Last week was spent, trying to find myself, find my voice, find the ME in my thoughts. Writing, adapting, experimenting with what I want to say, what I want to share. I'm struggling with developing all of that that, but then I realize... it will BE what it IS. or perhaps, what I really mean is... I will be who I AM. And when I realized this very basic thought (again -it's something we all know but forget from time to time), the imagined burden I felt - lightened. I relaxed - a bit. The pressure I felt to be witty, to be funny, to be someone-not-quite-me so that you would read this not-me-ness, was all of the sudden absurd. Today, was spent relaxing, regrouping, re-energizing, re-committing. So much of our time is spend trying to get from here to there, moving forward, listing our goals, accomplishing goals, keeping ourselves in motion, that we spend so little time owning THIS moment, being content in THIS second, enjoying what right NOW feels like. So, I have spent the … [Read more...]

Poop-pa-palooze – WTF? Exactly.

Here's a sweet little nothing from my main squeeze, aka, the hubby, aka Richard Dere: Hubby: I'm going to have to spend a little time in the bathroom tonight. Although I'm a bit surprised, as I already had a big poop-pa-palooza today. Me: WTF? Poop-pa-palooza? Hubby: EXACTLY. Dorothy says to me: another sweet little nothing because, *obviously*, he loves you. You don't see him telling anyone else THAT. Me: Why can't I get flowers like everyone else? … [Read more...]

This is not a NOTHING blog about BLAH BLAH and blah…

So what does it mean to be NINJA (bitch), CEO anyway? I'm not just writing a NOTHING blog about BLAH Blah blah... So, what the hell AM I writing about, for, to, anyway? I'm writing about my vulnerabilities as a woman, as a mother, as a writer, as a business leader, as a human being. And at my weakest moments, at my most vulnerable, and when I have the most fear in my heart, I have found that the snarky, kick@ss bitch attitude in me pulls me up by my bootstraps, tells me to hang on for my dear life, ...and TAKES OVER. All of the sudden, I am... NINJA (bitch), CEO. CEO with an extra attitude Ninja with a touch of snark and 100% BITCH with a heart of gold I know what I want, I know where I'm going (and I wear kick ass shoes getting there) and I'm going there at my speed, which may be fast, slow or who the hell cares. I'm going places (bitches!!) and the whole way there, I'm whooping and hollering and YEEHAW'ing Y'ALL'ing and giggling up a storm. I hope the … [Read more...]

Just so we’re CLEAR…

NINJA (bitch), CEO is always learning. I mean - I DO follow the ways of the ninja. Take every opportunity to learn something new, or in the bitch's case, take every opportunity to share (-er force) *useful* lessons with everyone I love. Hence, my series, JUST so we're CLEAR... "JUST, so we're CLEAR" are just everyday lessons I see around me - and I want to make sure everyone around me, "gets it" (gets educated) as well. NINJA (bitch) CEO, is always so helpful! Read on - you'll get the idea. JUST so we're CLEAR... these are life lessons - YO! These are important! These are MUST read. -NINJA (bitch), CEO … [Read more...]

Just so we’re CLEAR…I’ll make you so miserable, cancer will be the least of your problems.

As we are watching Breaking Bad: Me: Just so we're clear...if you get cancer, you have to tell me. Like, as soon as you know, I need to know. Richard Dere: For sure. Me: And just so we're clear, you probably should just let me know when you're going to the doctor anyway. Richard Dere: Yep. Me: AND, just so you know, you shouldn't get cancer. If you do, I'll make your last days so miserable, cancer will be the least of your problems. So, you're better off NOT getting cancer. Richard Dere: ?? Me: It's just my way of saying, I love you. Don't get cancer. I'll make you miserable = I love you more. Richard Dere: OK. Thanks. I think. Er, I think I love you too. … [Read more...]

and that’s why her name is Dorothy, bitch!

I've been racking my brain, to try to come up with an appropriate name for one of my multiple personalities, whom I have been referring to as "scaredy me." Especially since I'm not a scared-y cat, not even a little. And even though this is just a term of endearment for one of my dysfunctions, I want it to be GOOD. AND THEN, LIGHTBULB! AHA! And she will be called DOROTHY, as in referencing Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz YO!  I mean, how perfect! She's totally adorable and so innocent. But YO! She did totally killed both the wicked witch of the east AND the wicked witch of the west, by *accident* ! Who kills TWO wicked witches "by accident?" Total ninja bitch if you ask me! And so that's why her name is "Dorothy," bitch! Getting shit done all the time - yo! Note1: I tried to draw a cartoon, but it just was NOT working out today. Note2: And this is what I imagine she's wearing. A blue/white gingham shirt, some bad ass jeans, and some rocker-chic red sparkly shoes. OH, and I … [Read more...]

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