So, MY mom sent ME a full-size mannequin – what’s YOURS done for YOU lately?

So, my mom sent me a full-size mannequin. I don't even know what to say, so perhaps a picture: I put her in the garage, because why would anybody in their right mind need a mannequin in their home? The operative phrase here is in their right mind. My mom must have been using her LEFT mind - the one she LEFT behind when she called me to say: (True Story, NO JOKE) Mom: Bloomingdale's is having a sale on their mannequin's. They are beautiful. Do you need one? Me (bewildered???): What's on sale at Bloomingdale's? Mom: Mannequins. They are turning over the mannequin's and getting new ones. The mannequin's are beautiful, and there's nothing wrong with them! Me (still bewildered): Did you say mannequin's? Mom: Oh, you have to see them. They have *real* eyelashes and the fingers are just beautiful. I think you need one. Me: Did you just hit your head? Mom: honey, I perfectly fine. I just think you could do so much with her. You're just so talented that way. Me: … [Read more...]

Overheard a 5 year old say: Dear Lord, Please let this day be better than yesterday.

Yesterday, at a local bagel shop, I sat across from a table of 3 people - a mother (a neighbor I recognized), and her two kids, ages 4 and 5. The mom comes back to the table with bagels and cream cheese. Before digging into his bagel, he stops and puts his hands into prayer mode and says: Dear Lord, please let this day be better than yesterday. His mom looks at me, and says, "They've been working on prayers at Sunday school. I *really* have to work with him on his gratitude prayers!" and we both burst out laughing. So, I thought, what better way than to start the day than with a few words of gratitude. Here are mine for the day: Dear Lord, I am very grateful that I am not in childbirth today. I am also grateful that if I were giving birth to a child today, I would have a choice of an epideral or an epideral. So I guess what I'm saying is that I am REALLY grateful I am not only NOT birthing a child today, but that we are no longer in the 1900's when women were expected to … [Read more...]

No Back-Up Plan, aka I’m Fucked If…

I have a slight obsession with having a back-up. I have back-ups for just about everything - and it doesn't end with my digital life. I keep a back-up stash for toilet paper, paper towels, chapstick, skinny jeans, fat jeans, dark jeans, light jeans, distressed jeans, black shoes, black pants, gloves - every size and color for every occasion in every other drawer in the house (we live in Minnesota, don't-cha-know. Land of 10,000 lakes and 300+snow days...), stamps, batteries in every size (hey, I don't want my remotes to die), mascara, bandages, I ALWAYS ALWAYS have extra ice cream in the house (who doesn't?), dog food, notebooks, flashlights, and the list could go on and on. What might be easier is to list things without a back-up stash: I'm fucked if... something happens to my husband - (something = death or dismemberment) I have no back-up husband, so I am crossing my fingers that he doesn't croak before I do. I have even resorted to threatening him to make absolutely sure he … [Read more...]

For the love of JEANS – I hate washing my jeans!

For the LOVE of jeans... I LOVE jeans. I mean, I love LOVE jeans. I am obsessed with jeans. I try to wear jeans every day of the week. I have jeans for dressing down, jeans for dressing up, jeans for going out, jeans for "casual" Friday, jeans for "dressy" Monday and every day in between. In my head, my obsession with jeans looks something like this: I'm going to admit that I don't wash my jeans often - probably every 6-8 wears. I love how the more you wear a pair of jeans, they just fit more perfectly - it's as if my jeans have MEMORY of me... and when I put them on again, we just pick up where we left off. Like a lover, it knows my curves, hugs me in all the right places, and makes me feel like a million bucks. Every time I wash a pair of jeans, I hold my breathe. -Will they be the same? -Will they remember me? -How long will it take this time to get back to where we WERE? With each wash, it gets a little faded. Perhaps a little tighter? And then the … [Read more...]

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