No Back-Up Plan, aka I’m Fucked If…


I have a slight obsession with having a back-up. I have back-ups for just about everything – and it doesn’t end with my digital life. I keep a back-up stash for toilet paper, paper towels, chapstick, skinny jeans, fat jeans, dark jeans, light jeans, distressed jeans, black shoes, black pants, gloves – every size and color for every occasion in every other drawer in the house (we live in Minnesota, don’t-cha-know. Land of 10,000 lakes and 300+snow days…), stamps, batteries in every size (hey, I don’t want my remotes to die), mascara, bandages, I ALWAYS ALWAYS have extra ice cream in the house (who doesn’t?), dog food, notebooks, flashlights, and the list could go on and on. What might be easier is to list things without a back-up stash:

I’m fucked if…

  1. something happens to my husband – (something = death or dismemberment) I have no back-up husband, so I am crossing my fingers that he doesn’t croak before I do. I have even resorted to threatening him to make absolutely sure he doesn’t croak before I do. So although, I don’t have a back-up husband ready, I do have a plan on how to avoid needing a back-up husband in the first place! I know this plan willwork, as he is scared of me.
  2. something happens to my dog – I have a dog, that I LOVE dearly. Her job is to spreads love and light and joy as well as ward off evil spirits and bad intentions. So I would be *totally* fucked if something happens to my dog. I tried to get a back-up dog once. Well actually, I wanted my dog to have a friend, but turns out, she’s kind of a bitch and a little possessive of her humans. Hmmm, come to think of it, she sounds like someone I know….
  3. you come over and you’re hungry – which means, not only am I fucked if I’m hungry and stuck at home, you’d be fucked if you came over hungry. (Moral of the story, don’t come over hungry mofo!) You’d think that with all my contingency plans and back-up stashes everywhere, I would keep extra food around. You know, to be prepared in case of a zombie apocalypse or if hostile aliens land or Y2K (oh wait, that already happened), but NO. I just never got around to stashing food everywhere. Unless you count having multiple boxes of ice cream in the freezer a back-up food plan. I wouldn’t want to run out of vanilla, cherry garcia OR chocolate ice cream. Hey – I know my priorities bitches, I know my priorities! Plus, if you have ice cream, ye bitches shall never starve.
Come to think of it, there are lots of good reasons to have a back-up husband in place. Seriously, it gets old, threatening him with something worse than death everyday – just so he won’t croak. That’s a lot of pressure bitches! But that would take all the fun out of our daily interactions. DARN! I guess no back-up husband for me.
-NINJA (bitch), CEO

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  1. Leanne says:

    Personally, I use the See If I Care system. “GO ahead!! Get skin cancer! See if I care!” “GO ahead!! Lose a testicle!! See if I care!!!” I don’t think it’s working. Having said that, back up husband? Hmmmm. Maybe like a bullpen sorta thing…

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